My inner critic’s name is Reviewer #2
We all have a voice inside our head. You know the one. The one that tells us we are not good enough, strong enough, or there really is no way for us to do a particular goal we are setting out to do. Steven Pressfield writes about this voice in the War of Art, a treatise on how to overcome what he calls “resistance.” It is resistance which sends us down the pathway of self-doubt, fear, vanity, and self-sabotage. Sharon Salzberg, world-renowned meditation teacher of insight medication, prolific author, and co-founder of the Insight Meditation Society, has written about the inner critic, and in meditations (I have heard her teachings through the 10% Happier App) she talks about giving a name to that voice, the inner critic. For sometime I tried to make her a Judge Judy type character, but that didn’t resonate. Then today I came up with the perfect name for my inner critic. I decided to name her “Reviewer #2.” (For those who are not familiar with the peer-review process for journals or grants, you often get critiques, and it is a joke in the community that Reviewer #2’s comments are the most critical, negative, and pessimistic. Hence, naming my inner critic Reviewer #2 seems perfect!) I think that naming her this actually gives her some agency, because sometimes there is a glimmer of help in Reviewer #2’s critiques, but her tone (that of my inner critic) is often downright pessimistic and judgy, and, quite frankly, annoying. And calling her by this name also lets me kind of chuckle about her, and take her much less seriously.
My inner critic loves to show up after I’ve had some sort of huge victory or major positive emotional event (so many events, but a couple that stand out are after RAAM 2014, more recently after my trip to New York City last Spring), and I’ve learned to expect her to come at some point. This Spring, with the 18 Hours of Fruita, followed by White Rim in a Day, and then last weekend with 175 miles on the mountain bike and then road bike, I was surprised I had not really heard from her. But this past week, as I was recovering off the bike from saddle sore issues and a bit of sleep deficit (175 miles in back-to-back days — ‘nuff said), she came roaring back.
I was asked to prepare a reflective bit for our grand rounds on resilience in the times of COVID and moral injury and healthcare worker burnout. As part of that, I retraced the past year, the peaks and valleys, and what helped me out of my own valley (and it was deep). I wanted to do this though, because I hoped that by sharing (even the difficult parts), it would help people listening realize we are not the person they necessarily see on instagram. Our lives are not what we take selfies of. Those tend to be the good parts. And before I shared my biggest tool/tactic to get out of that valley, I felt that being vulnerable for a minute would help give it a bit more authenticity. But vulnerability is not easy.
That process of retracing those valleys, and then the way out through the ikigai experience with my forever SAR (senior assistant resident on the Osler service), Tatiana Prowell, and then getting back on my bike, and even making a public announcement of this insanely big challenge I’m going to take on in July, provoked Reviewer #2 to send some emails to my mental inbox. For the rest of the day I was exhausted, which is right when Reviewer #2 loves to start criticizing. And her critiques are often along the lines of: “You really need to just focus on being a doctor. What are you thinking about trying to ride that race? You don’t have enough time to train. You’ve frittered away this last week and eaten too much crap food. They need you to just do your job. You’re not anywhere near race weight to be able to ride that trail. You’ve never even bike packed solo overnight, so why are you even thinking about the backcountry? People who do this plan for years to do this. You have just 44 days now, (as of last Friday) and it is just not enough time.” I was pretty sick of Reviewer #2. She was a major part of the reason I stopped riding my bike last year, dammit.
So you know what I did? How I told Reveiwer #2 to STFU?
I kept moving forward through the pain of her judgement. I didn’t ride (but that really would have helped the most, to be honest), and did the logistical work I needed to do to prepare for this backcountry bike packing adventure ahead. After a long day of clearing out all clinical work, callbacks, and completing coordinating complex care management issues (task bucket zero), I went to the Denver REI Flagship to make some key purchases, and would you know I had a pretty nasty argument with Reviewer #2 inside my head right at the store. The set up: I had been to REI about 6 weeks ago, and there was a huge bin of the equipment I needed. I didn’t have a gift care with me, so I figured this could wait. Well, between then and now REI had the huge Memorial Day Sale, where this item was 20% off, and well, now there was just one left. So Reviewer #2 was making sure I knew that if this were important to me I would have made time. I’m not ready. What the hell am I thinking?! And that rabbit hole. The outward projection I had was facial stress and a bit of a quiver in my voice, honestly. But that is where the awesome people at REI stepped in and helped me solve my problems. I could get the last Big Agnes Fly Creek Ultralight 1-person tent that day, use it without the footprint right now but order the footprint online, and a big recommendation for a lightweight 3-season sleeping bag (REI Magma 15), which I purchased online and then picked it up in Boulder on Saturday. And then on Saturday I went to the Boulder to pick up the bag at the REI store in search of a seat bag for my bike that has a dropper post, and while there was not anything at that store, I did a local Boulder web search as it is one of the bike meccas in the United States, and found the last Arkel Seatpacker 9 at Full Cycle Bikes & Colorado Multisport. DONE! Pretty soon Reviewer #2 was no longer the loudest in the room.
And then the thing, I think that really got her to take a leave of absence, I called up my old coach and friend, Jim, who helped get me prepped for the major bike events in the past: RAAM 2014, RAW 2015 and Silver State 508 2017. We sat and had coffee outdoors and caught up and talked about slow twitch and fast twitch muscle fibers, mitochondria, and some science about how strength training now could really help make some major benefits in the next 3 weeks. It was just really good to see an old friend, to be honest.
After that I worked through the tetris of how to set up my bike (another trip to Denver REI to ask Gordon how to pack this gear) — and with his help I figured it out (that post is coming soon). I drove out in the evening to hit the trail, but the road was blocked due to forest fires, so I decided to return home, and instead plan to camp tonight (yes, on a school night, but it is only an hour from home, so plenty of time to get home, showered, and to clinic tomorrow morning). I am getting sorted for the week, and then off to Staunton State Park to give this packed rig a trial ride and gear an inaugural night in the park.
Yes, Reviewer #2, I know there are people who are more prepared, faster, lighter, and fitter than me, but this is who I am and what I’ve got, and I have 41 days left now, to make this happen. Yes, Reviewer #2, you have some valid critiques at times, and you do help me prepare, however your tone is just not always appreciated. I’m going to keep going, make my edits, and resubmit to the trails and the bike everyday, and you know what, I’ve got this.
To join me in honoring my healthcare worker colleagues, please join me in the Racing for Healthcare Heroes Campaign and help support the Dr. Lorna Breen Heroes’ Foundation. You can read more about it here and go to http://tinyurl.com/panacheheroes and get your gear today! (Last day is June 15.) #Racing4Heroes
